Rich Benson Archive - Vol. 5
CMNN (Costa Mesa News Network) Sunday, June 6, 2003
Man Recovers Memory of UFO Abduction
A Costa Mesa man recovered his memory over the weekend, a memory of terrifying significance. Richard Benson, a Costa Mesa man, the local town drunk, a known village idiot, and a notorious and obnoxious liar reported recovering a memory "stolen" from him by aliens from another world.
"Them aliens did something tricky to me, like forcing me to drink plenty of decent scotch whisky, a quart or better, then they stuffed my pocket with one-dollar bills, about three of them, and told me they were taking a human being from earth home with them to study. I saw the aliens wrestle a banjo from the man because a banjo is a feared weapon of mass annoyance on their world and they swore they only did it to protect themselves."
The Costa Mesa then man took a long swig from a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag before continuing. "Yup, I knowed the man they took, too," bragged the foul-smelling tramp, "it was Trevor Burgan., and I last seen him whistling a tune and smiling as he walked up the gang-plank to the big spinning silver saucer that whisked him away to some far-off galaxy. Yessir, I'm sure it was that Trevor fellow, because I ain't seen or heard from him since. Yup. Big round silver saucer with a giant metal coffee cup like thing as big as a condominium on top of the saucer. Trevor was playing tricks on those alien rubes, too. He was offering them boxes of Red Hots attached to rubber bands. Those boxes of Red Hots snapped right back into Trevor's hands-that brought on big guffaws from the aliens. But that was strange because those aliens laugh out of their ears and that takes some getting used too."
When pressed for more details regarding the abduction, the dapper dumpster diver said, "You all sure is kind of pressy, aren't you?"
After a few coins changed hands (dimes mostly) the bum continued. "They stole that Trevor fellow and told me if I ever told that they'd make me get a job and threatened me with full employment. When I heard that, I lost total control of my bladder and wet myself in mortal fear. I looked into each alien's eye-they had seven eyes apiece, each a different color-and I knew they were telling me the truth. I was gonna have a real job if I couldn't keep my lips zipped."
Mr. Benson was then asked if Trevor had any last words to relay to his family or friends. "Naw, not words as such. But after he went aboard and the door closed behind him, I could hear the man whimpering. Well, he wasn't whimpering, really. It was more like he was crying. Crying like a little girl is what it sounded like to me. Yup, that's it. Trevor Burgan, a grown man, was crying like a little girl because he was on a space ship and he was frightened. Just like when a little girl starts blubbering because she spills chocolate ice cream on her new party dress. Mr. Burgan sounded just like that. Maybe he spilled something on his tie, or his slacks...I don't know. I just know I was embarrassed by his behavior. He's supposed to represent mankind like an ambassador, ain't he? Then the saucer took off, straight up and disappeared. Well, I sure hope Trevor gets back to earth soon. I'm sure he will. Those aliens are probably ready for some new jokes, now that they've heard all of Trevors'-don't ya think?"
Man Recovers Memory of UFO Abduction
A Costa Mesa man recovered his memory over the weekend, a memory of terrifying significance. Richard Benson, a Costa Mesa man, the local town drunk, a known village idiot, and a notorious and obnoxious liar reported recovering a memory "stolen" from him by aliens from another world.
"Them aliens did something tricky to me, like forcing me to drink plenty of decent scotch whisky, a quart or better, then they stuffed my pocket with one-dollar bills, about three of them, and told me they were taking a human being from earth home with them to study. I saw the aliens wrestle a banjo from the man because a banjo is a feared weapon of mass annoyance on their world and they swore they only did it to protect themselves."
The Costa Mesa then man took a long swig from a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag before continuing. "Yup, I knowed the man they took, too," bragged the foul-smelling tramp, "it was Trevor Burgan., and I last seen him whistling a tune and smiling as he walked up the gang-plank to the big spinning silver saucer that whisked him away to some far-off galaxy. Yessir, I'm sure it was that Trevor fellow, because I ain't seen or heard from him since. Yup. Big round silver saucer with a giant metal coffee cup like thing as big as a condominium on top of the saucer. Trevor was playing tricks on those alien rubes, too. He was offering them boxes of Red Hots attached to rubber bands. Those boxes of Red Hots snapped right back into Trevor's hands-that brought on big guffaws from the aliens. But that was strange because those aliens laugh out of their ears and that takes some getting used too."
When pressed for more details regarding the abduction, the dapper dumpster diver said, "You all sure is kind of pressy, aren't you?"
After a few coins changed hands (dimes mostly) the bum continued. "They stole that Trevor fellow and told me if I ever told that they'd make me get a job and threatened me with full employment. When I heard that, I lost total control of my bladder and wet myself in mortal fear. I looked into each alien's eye-they had seven eyes apiece, each a different color-and I knew they were telling me the truth. I was gonna have a real job if I couldn't keep my lips zipped."
Mr. Benson was then asked if Trevor had any last words to relay to his family or friends. "Naw, not words as such. But after he went aboard and the door closed behind him, I could hear the man whimpering. Well, he wasn't whimpering, really. It was more like he was crying. Crying like a little girl is what it sounded like to me. Yup, that's it. Trevor Burgan, a grown man, was crying like a little girl because he was on a space ship and he was frightened. Just like when a little girl starts blubbering because she spills chocolate ice cream on her new party dress. Mr. Burgan sounded just like that. Maybe he spilled something on his tie, or his slacks...I don't know. I just know I was embarrassed by his behavior. He's supposed to represent mankind like an ambassador, ain't he? Then the saucer took off, straight up and disappeared. Well, I sure hope Trevor gets back to earth soon. I'm sure he will. Those aliens are probably ready for some new jokes, now that they've heard all of Trevors'-don't ya think?"
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