Files from the Rich Benson Archive - Vol. 8
Trevor,
I'm sending the "Season's Greetings!" letter ahead of a small gift I've purchased for you. The small shoulder-sitting parrot will follow in time for your holiday shopping excursions. This is a small South American Mall parrot and is most comfortable standing on your shoulder in a mall during holiday shopping excursions. Her name is Lupe and I only had time to teach her two lines, which she's been trained to repeat frequently: "Richard L. Benson!" and "Don't forget Richard L. Benson!" You can teach her other lines; it only takes a couple of months of simple repetition.
By the way, you will be envied by all other shoppers because wearing trained parrots in malls is the newest "in thing" this year! Yes, people will be pointing at you with jealous envy pumping through their hearts! So, this trend is so new I don't want you to be surprised if you only see a very few others wearing their fashionable parrots as they shop, okay?
Lupe the parrot already has a crush on you. That's because I placed a small photograph of you her in your cage with a small sign above it that read "new owner." Within days she became infatuated with your handsome image and began training just that much harder! She was in a big hurry to sit on your shoulders and impress you with her new vocabulary!
Of course, I don't expect gifts this year for myself, but since I'm hard to shop for and because people occasionally do purchase me something, I thought one of these "new-fangled" wish lists would be helpful. I only saw "new-fangled" because of the way this "new" wish list works. Each time you read an item off of the list, you have to pause and visualize it. Then you have to silently repeat it to yourself. Then you have to say it out loud, slowly, five times. Then you have to visualize again, but this time see it being used or in operation. Then you have to call someone in the office and interrogate them about the item on the list. This involves the five "w's": Who, What, When, Where, Why? You ask them "Who do you know who owns one? What does it do? When are they used? Where does one buy one? Why should I buy one today? Do this with each item on the list, and do it each day for the next ten working days. The more you do this, the more satisfaction you derive from the effort! It's incremental, and on the 10th day, the positive feelings about oneself is said to be astonishing! So, give it a try this year!
The stuff I'll be looking for in my stocking on the mantle is:
DNA Analyzer and Species Replicator
General Electric Personal Jet Pack
Night Vision Goggles
Magnetic Moon Boots
Flux Fibulating Thrust Reverser
Fort Knox Depository
Box of Suppositories
Magic Tome
The Complete Book of Witchcraft and Evil Spells
A Ray Gun (battery operated)
A pet Tyrannosaurus Rex
A Magic Wand
Thumbscrews
An Electric Chair
Silencers
Hand Grenades
A Nuclear Submarine complete with Hydrogen Bombs
A fuzzy rabbit
A lock of hair from Adolf Hitler
A few moustache hairs from Josef Stalin
Skeleton Keys for the California Prison System
Skeleton Keys for the Federal Prison System
Lunchmeat
A Makeover
Men's BVD Briefs with Playtex Panty Liners
A Large Drum of Sir-Drinks-Alot
A Genie in a Bottle
A Magic Lamp
A Magic Fart
A Living Room Toilet
A Warehouse
Cheat Codes for Gruban, Rovert, and Gobos
I'm sending the "Season's Greetings!" letter ahead of a small gift I've purchased for you. The small shoulder-sitting parrot will follow in time for your holiday shopping excursions. This is a small South American Mall parrot and is most comfortable standing on your shoulder in a mall during holiday shopping excursions. Her name is Lupe and I only had time to teach her two lines, which she's been trained to repeat frequently: "Richard L. Benson!" and "Don't forget Richard L. Benson!" You can teach her other lines; it only takes a couple of months of simple repetition.
By the way, you will be envied by all other shoppers because wearing trained parrots in malls is the newest "in thing" this year! Yes, people will be pointing at you with jealous envy pumping through their hearts! So, this trend is so new I don't want you to be surprised if you only see a very few others wearing their fashionable parrots as they shop, okay?
Lupe the parrot already has a crush on you. That's because I placed a small photograph of you her in your cage with a small sign above it that read "new owner." Within days she became infatuated with your handsome image and began training just that much harder! She was in a big hurry to sit on your shoulders and impress you with her new vocabulary!
Of course, I don't expect gifts this year for myself, but since I'm hard to shop for and because people occasionally do purchase me something, I thought one of these "new-fangled" wish lists would be helpful. I only saw "new-fangled" because of the way this "new" wish list works. Each time you read an item off of the list, you have to pause and visualize it. Then you have to silently repeat it to yourself. Then you have to say it out loud, slowly, five times. Then you have to visualize again, but this time see it being used or in operation. Then you have to call someone in the office and interrogate them about the item on the list. This involves the five "w's": Who, What, When, Where, Why? You ask them "Who do you know who owns one? What does it do? When are they used? Where does one buy one? Why should I buy one today? Do this with each item on the list, and do it each day for the next ten working days. The more you do this, the more satisfaction you derive from the effort! It's incremental, and on the 10th day, the positive feelings about oneself is said to be astonishing! So, give it a try this year!
The stuff I'll be looking for in my stocking on the mantle is:
DNA Analyzer and Species Replicator
General Electric Personal Jet Pack
Night Vision Goggles
Magnetic Moon Boots
Flux Fibulating Thrust Reverser
Fort Knox Depository
Box of Suppositories
Magic Tome
The Complete Book of Witchcraft and Evil Spells
A Ray Gun (battery operated)
A pet Tyrannosaurus Rex
A Magic Wand
Thumbscrews
An Electric Chair
Silencers
Hand Grenades
A Nuclear Submarine complete with Hydrogen Bombs
A fuzzy rabbit
A lock of hair from Adolf Hitler
A few moustache hairs from Josef Stalin
Skeleton Keys for the California Prison System
Skeleton Keys for the Federal Prison System
Lunchmeat
A Makeover
Men's BVD Briefs with Playtex Panty Liners
A Large Drum of Sir-Drinks-Alot
A Genie in a Bottle
A Magic Lamp
A Magic Fart
A Living Room Toilet
A Warehouse
Cheat Codes for Gruban, Rovert, and Gobos
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