Files from the Rich Benson Archive Vol. 1

New development....

The secret police of the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) waved their large-caliber automatic pistols menacingly as they raided the popular restaurant, Baja Fresh, arresting key employees and startling the lunch crowd today. Several restaurant managers and all of the cooks were searched, handcuffed and led out of the Main Place mall. Their heads hung down in red-faced shame as they were deprived of order pads, spatulas, and tall white chef's hats. The arrested avoided all direct eye contact as they filed out of the restaurant into waiting window-barricaded police buses.

Shirley Ptomaine, a spokesperson for the secret police unit of the FDA told reporters that Baja Fresh had been under investigation for several months after receiving a tip from a disgruntled Baja Fresh line cook that "all was not well" in the kitchen of that establishment. And, recipe books, confiscated from the Baja Fresh kitchen by the FDA as evidence, seem to prove that things there were much worse than first believed.

"Just look here," said Mrs. Ptomaine, pointing to a recipe for a very popular menu selection, the large burrito. "For added meat zest, unwrap a sealed bundle of 30 day-old aged, unwashed clothing from the R. Benson Spice and Flavoring Corp. Add clothing to a pot of boiling meat starting first with dirty socks, jockey briefs, and t-shirts. Then, add the pants, jacket, baseball cap, and tennis shoes. Bring to boil, then turn down heat and simmer over night. This flavorful pot of stewed meat will be ready to add to burritos by lunchtime the next day. Be sure and replace this secret recipe book back in the office vault to keep it from the prying, diligent eyes of public health inspectors! "

News of this secret recipe spread through the lunchtime customers at Baja Fresh faster than a raging Colorado forest fire. Upon hearing details, nearly all patrons turned green and began projectile vomiting. Several customers fainted and had to be taken away in ambulances. One customer however, apparently a Santa Ana employee, was oblivious to the news and continued to gorge with relish on his large burrito as he gabbed away the time with fellow employees. He apparently was looking forward to spending time in a local bookstore staring lustfully at the glossy pages of magazines, aptly named: Men's Lard, Lady's Flab, Babes of Blubber, Big Fat Men, Large Flabby Asses, and other publications of the same genre. He was last seen wiping his mouth with a Baja Fresh paper napkin and littering the floor with it when he was through.

The judge who will be first hearing these charges is not expected to allow bail. Baja Fresh employees collectively face 4,831 years in prison.

Associated Press